I don't like change - never have; never will. I am one of those people that takes what comes at me in stride, so I deal with it, but I always notice that sometime after the change or trial occurs, I go into hiding in what I affectionately call, "post-traumatic stress disorder
funk." I've always thought this was a flaw. I've despised myself for not being tough enough to "just move on" and keep going, or for not being able to let go of what is past, but last Sunday we had a beautiful YW lesson on change and I had an epiphany.
The lesson talked of butterflies and the chrysalis. A butterfly has its beginning as an egg that hatches into a caterpillar. The caterpillar forms a chrysalis and goes through a time when it seems to be resting but is actually changing rapidly. This is a period in which it is very vulnerable to forces outside itself. In the latter part of this stage, if it is exposed to too much heat its wings will not expand properly; if it dries out it will lack strength. But if all goes well, the caterpillar can become what it was always meant to be—a butterfly.
I realized something. Those
funks I go through after change, they're
okay. In fact, not only are they okay, I think it might even be the way the Lord intended it. It is a chance to re-group - to mourn, to cry, to sulk, to pout, to be denial, to ponder, to pray and most importantly, to decide if I'm going to stay that ugly caterpillar or gather my strength and become that butterfly I'm supposed to be. While I'm hiding out in my chrysalis and it appears to the rest of the world that I am resting, in reality I am rapidly changing. I am adapting, coming to terms with and relying on the Lord to buoy me up.
I don't think we go through this process once in our lives. I know I've been through it at least twice this year! With the changes that took place in our home over the past few months, I've been snuggled tightly in that chrysalis. I haven't been dead (although most of my friends would probably think I was!) Instead, I've been surviving - hibernating and clinging to and focusing on what was most important - my family and my faith. I just wasn't ready to keep up the act and pretend like it was all okay. A few times, I felt guilty for not being my normal self and tried to get out there and be who I had been a few months before...but each time I ended up feeling more overwhelmed and less like that "butterfly" I knew I was supposed to be. I was worried that I was depressed or that my funk was so severe it might not just be a funk or phase this time. But then I had that lesson...and I
knew. Heavenly Father told me it was okay.
As we go through trials and change in life, it's okay to "feel" and to get knocked down on our behinds. It's okay to not be able to do it all sometimes and it's okay to be in a "funk"...for a bit. However, stay like that
too long and you'll miss
so many chances to fly. Go through the motions and pretend like things are fine and you'll find that you're not strong enough to live the life ahead of you to it's fullest.
I love the lesson I learned from the chrysalis. We each have a cocoon - a safe place we run to when life gets too hard. We stay there and we rest; we hide. But eventually, we have to come out. "How does one become a butterfly? You have to want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar." Sometimes it's easier being a caterpillar. It's easier to hide and to pretend like we are nothing special. However, eventually, we come to realize that happiness is never found bundled up in that cocoon, pretending that we don't have the ability to be something great. Eventually, we have to gather our skirts, pull on our big girl panties and hit the ground running...and when we do, we won't find ourselves back to where we left off, we'll find ourselves better, stronger, and more capable to deal with the next life event that makes us feel like that ol' caterpillar again.
How does a caterpillar become a butterfly?
It patiently accepts the CHANGES it cannot control.
In doing so, it becomes more than an average bug.
It emerges as the beautiful creation the Lord intended,
with wings to soar over the branches it previously clung to.
"...and out of small things proceedeth that which is great."
D&C 64:33
Yes, I guess I am grateful for change and for the chance it gives me to re-group, to ponder what is really important and to listen and feel as Heavenly Father guides me to and through the things in life that will make me great.
Time to leave that darn chrysalis now, darn it!
