My "Word" for 2012

This is what we made for breakfast on January 1st! 

It's crazy that it is already February!  Where on earth did the month go?! 

January is traditionally a time for goals. I have a problem with goals.  I know they are important, but I just have the hardest time setting a specific goal or two, or three, or ten, to try to stick to and focus on throughout the year.  I always feel like I am placing too much priority on one thing and not enough on another, etc.  I know, I'm reading too much into it...but still.  Because goal setting became such a frustration to me, I quit doing it.  I wandered through the year aimlessly.  Haha! Not really...but kind of!

So a few years ago, I got an idea...a wonderful idea...that has made all the difference in the world for me.  Rather than set specific goals each year, I pick a phrase or a word to emphasize and focus on throughout the year.  I put a lot prayer, thought and time into picking this focus...and each year, I am abundantly blessed as I diligently strive to guide my life by that focus.

Last year my focus was "CHOOSE."  I worked hard at choosing the best things in life.  I worked hard at choosing what really mattered and making good choices - physically, spiritually, financially, emotionally and socially.  Most of all, I worked hard to "choose" to be positive and to look for the good in things.  I teased my kids a lot about me being like Pollyanna and trying find something to be "glad" about!  I think it got annoying to them sometimes, and I don't know that I actually realized how ingrained that "focus" had become until I was talking with a friend a few weeks ago and she said something that really hit me.  She said, " Leave it up to you always find the silver lining in each situation."  I was so grateful for that comment and I realized that maybe last year's focus really had helped me mold myself a little. 

I am always grateful for each new year and the journey I go on in finding my new focus. This year's journey ended rather abruptly.  I have been pondering since just before Christmas.  I wanted more than a word this year; I wanted a catch phrase.  I wanted something bold and strong and something energetic. I wanted to be victorious, a champion.  I wanted it to bring out my inner competitor and drive.  I found it easily...

GO. FIGHT. WIN.

I loved it. I could apply it to so many situations. I was pumped.  I immediately set out to design a picture so I could have it printed and placed in my "focus frame."

The only problem was...I couldn't stop my mind from searching.  Usually when I find my "word," the searching is over.  I am completely settled and at peace with it.  This time I was not.  I reluctantly decided that maybe GO.FIGHT.WIN. was not what the Lord had in mind for me this year and continued prayerfully searching for what "word" could help me become more like the woman Heavenly Father needed me to be.

My "word" came in the shower a few days later, just after New Years day.  The kids were still home from school and I was going back to work the next day.  The house was covered in toys and pine needles and left overs from the night before.  I was tired, overwhelmed and the only thing I could think of was how I had just gotten done tidying for the bazillionth time.  I was fuming.  Even showering was a laborious process since even it was wasting precious, valuable time.  I prepared in my mind a list of all that I hoped to accomplish that day - starting with vacuuming, laundry, toy organization and donation, planning FHE, preparing dinner, etc, etc, etc.  As the list got longer, I got angrier and angrier with my kids, Cole, my parents, my Young Women's calling, my boss and coworkers...everyone who was asking something of me.  I felt overwhelmed, angry and inadequate.  I knew there was no way I would ever be able to do all I needed to and suddenly that shower became more than a time thief - it became my refuge.  I never wanted to get out.  The moment I got out...I knew a barrage of duties would be calling.

Numb from overwhelming obligations and responsibilities, I couldn't even cry.  I knew there was no way I would get to it all and realized at some point, I was going to have to choose what was really important. 

Then the thought came to me that I hadn't even "scheduled" in time to play with and enjoy my kids.  This was their last day home before school was going to start again and I had stuffed it chalk full of so many things without even making time for them. 

With that thought, I began to cry. 

 How on earth could I do it all and be everywhere? The answer came simply in the collage of a hundred moments in my mind - play dates with the kids, Christmas caroling in the car, baseball games in the backyard, hikes on Dixie mountain, mealtimes full of giggles, story telling at bedtime and movie nights on the trampoline - a hundred memories speed warped through my mind and then, as usual, as song spoke to me.

Of course it was another one of Hillary Weeks' songs, one I had listened to over and over since Time Out for Women.  The words of the song,  Stand Still (click on the link to go to Hillary Weeks' blog and hear a snippet of the song) ran through my mind and a calming peace came over me. In the instant I quit replaying the words in my head, this thought came to me..."Every needful thing, Kristin. That's all."  And then I knew...I'd found my "to do" list for the day (it was actually quite simple and down to one task - enjoy my kids and husband) and I'd also found my focus for 2012.

An energy surrounded it. A power.  Far different from the conquering nature of GO.FIGHT.WIN. Far less competitive, yet much more driven and personal. 

With so many distractions, so many good things pulling me in so many directions, it is so hard to try to figure out what is actually what I should be doing...what I need to be doing. I want to have a tidy house, I want to be a crafty person, I want to go out with the girls, I want to remember each of my friends and family on their birthdays, I want to be a good room mom and Young Women leader, I want to be fit and healthy, I want to make a difference in my job, I want to build my relationship with my kids, I want to complete in a triathalon, I want to be a great wife, I want to remember the needy, I want to teach my kids how to play piano, I want to teach them how to be good sports and smart students, I want to grow closer to my Heavenly Father, I want to attend the temple more....the list goes on and on. 

But the key becomes...which of these things do I NEED to do?  Which of these things helps me become that woman I know I can become?  Which of these things shows the Lord I am grateful for this life I have been given and this family that is mine? Which of these things actually has eternal value?

I love the scripture in D&C 109:8. 

 Deep down, I know exactly what is needful.  I am a mom and a wife first right now.  I feel an energy drawing me towards that responsibility, obligation, and privilege I have of setting the tone in my home and making it a house of God, a house of Glory.  In this focus I find it funny that I feel the inner competitor in me coming out.  I will fight to make my house a house of God.  I will do all that I can to keep the influences of Satan out of my home and out of my mind and stay focused on the opportunity I have right now to be a mommy and to make memories with my little ones.  Time goes by too fast.

And so there you have it...my focus for 2012 is a catch phrase, just like I wanted it to be.

Every Needful Thing

I'm amazed already at how much this focus has blessed my life.  When I have gotten ready to go on a tangent or a tirade or have been tempted to stay up late to clean, etc. the peaceful reminder of what is "needful" comes to my mind and I regain my balance and focus.  I also found it such a blessing and comfort within one week of deciding on it.  During the days Brandon was in the hospital, all I could think about was the resolve I had made to focus on "Every Needful Thing" and how important that was going to be over the coming year.  There is no specific list of "needful" things.  I think the specifics of that change based on each day, month, etc.  But I do believe there is a gift and a blessing to those that are able to look at their lives and evaluate what really are the most needful things.

I hope that through the coming year, I am able to more fully and decisively sift through what really is needful and direct my life so that that is where my time and my energy is spent and I know if I figure out how to do this...I'll have an amazing year!

It's gonna be okay...

I was looking back through my pictures to blog and I found these.  I didn't even remember uploading them off my camera.  I scrolled down through them...and I cried. 

Despite the smiles and the tender moments captured here, I can remember the ache in my heart throughout them all.  I am brought back to night after night when I lay in the bed beside Brandon watching his every breath, every twitch, and watching the clock tick by, waiting for the next blood sugar check, the next nursing round, and wondering what the morning's labs would reveal.  I remember the fears that threatened to overwhelm me and ruin my sweet boy's life.  I remember wishing it was all a bad nightmare, or a mistake.

But it wasn't.  It's real and it's still here.  And that's okay.

It is hard to imagine that it has been 3 weeks today since we received the diagnosis that Brandon had diabetes. I am amazed at all that we have learned. I am amazed at all that we have overcome. I'm amazed at the unity that exists in our family. I'm amazed at Brandon's courage. I'm amazed at all we have to learn still.

It is surprising how much we have jumped into our "old" life with "new" little twists to our routines. We just finished basketball season and are heading into baseball and soccer at the same time. I was so proud of Brandon for jumping right back into sports. I've been so proud of the way he has jumped back into school. I was the proudest of him when we did a presentation about diabetes at school. He was scared that his friends would laugh at him. He stood behind Cole and I at first and was very shy while we began to talk about it, but after he saw the way the class was listening attentively and not laughing at all...he opened up and started talking too. I choked up a few times. I was so proud of him. But on the other hand, I just hated that he had to do all this. I hate how much harder things will be for him. I have no doubt that he will still be an amazing athlete, an amazing kid...he'll just have to think a little more about it all. It just isn't as simple as grabbing a bite to eat, throwing on his cleats and jersey and heading out the door.

We met a mom of a child in the kids' school who also has diabetes.  When we told her about Brandon's diagnosis, she replied (with her son standing right next to her), "I'm sorry.  It is the worst thing that has ever happened to us.  I wish I had something encouraging to say."

I was appalled; surprised; taken aback; broken-hearted for her child.

Her child is a year older than Brandon and still doesn't do his own blood sugar checks or shots. 

Brandon does it all.  He won't even let us do it.

I'm not trying to be critical; I'm not...because we all deal with things so differently and I don't know how we woudl react if I hadn't seen my dad deal with diabetes my whole life or if I wasn't a nurse... But in our house, we work very hard to make sure that diabetes is "no big deal."  From the moment we found out, Cole and I determined that we were going to show Brandon that nothing was really that different.  The only thing is that he has to give himself a shot before eating food with carbs - no big deal. He's not sick. He can still do and eat whatever he used to. 

We've tried not to let him see us cry, or discuss issues, or hear us talk about insurance, costs of supplies, etc.  He's hyper-observant right now and he feels different enough without anyone pointing it out. 

I don't think we realized how observant he was.  One day when we got home from the hospital, Cole and I were sitting on the couch next to him while he was sleeping and we were whispering...I don't even think it was about him...but he woke up, saw us and started crying.  He said, "Why is everyone always whispering and talking about me."  I reassured him we were just whispering because he was sleeping - he settled a little.  A few days later, while I was on the phone setting up the shipment of his supplies, I had no idea he was even paying attention as we discussed payment over the phone.  Later that night, he cried and said, "I feel like I am wasting all of your money."  My heart broke at the burden he was carrying.  I reassured him that he was worth every penny and tried to convince him that it wasn't even that much.  He cried himself to sleep that night, while Cole and I held him.

And last night, when I was exhausted and ready for bed, I kissed him goodnight and said, "See you in a few hours, kiddo." (We have to check his blood sugar at 1:00ish and 4:00ish for now, until his blood sugars stabilize a bit.)  He stopped me as I was going down the hall and called me back.  He asked me if it was hard for me to come in at night and if I was so tired because I had to.  I nonchalantly said I'd have to get up to go potty or get a drink anyway, so it was no big deal;)...he sighed and rolled over and my heart broke a little more at all the things my 7 year old was having to worry about.

My point in all this is...diabetes IS NOT the worst thing that has happened to us. 

Is it hard? Absolutely.

It it doable? Absolutely.

...and if I met a mom who's child was recently diagnosed with diabetes, I would give her a BIG hug and tell her life does go on and before she knows it, words like diabetes, carbs, insulin, Lantus...and a plethora more would all be as common as the, and, then...and that one day soon, maybe just 3 weeks later, life would just keep going and she might actually be able to let her child ride his bike, or go to school without paralyzing worry.

I'd tell her this was going to be an incredible journey and she and her family would grow stronger than she ever knew possible. I would tell her that each day gets easier than the day before it and that her broken heart will start to heal even before she believes it is possible. 

And last but not least, I would tell her...it's gonna be okay.

Brandon pulling his own IV pole to the bathroom on Sunday morning.  We started calling it his "tail" since he couldn't go anywhere without it!

This pic makes me a little queesy.  I hated that it was in his right arm and right in the bend of his right arm. The ER ALWAYS puts those in the antecubital vein and it drives me CRAZY!  On the bright side, Brandon didn't even cry when they put it in.  Seriously...he is SO tough!  By the time that puppy came out, he had a huge bruise and that vein was hard as a rock.  It was sore for a long time.:(

We let the kids take turns spending the night with Brandon.  Cole and I were amazed at what healing powers siblings have on eachother.  Brandon did the best when one of his siblings was there. They were a great distraction and Brandon felt pretty important teaching each of them how to give shots to the orange! Plus, he always ordered them a little something off the room service menu!

There was an extra hospital bed for Cole and I. I don't think they are used to BOTH parents staying the whole time, but we did.  And we both slept in that little bed each night! I was so grateful for Cole's strength and that he wanted to be there each minute of the day with his son.  The kids sure had fun playing with the controls on that bed!

We played a bunch of games while we were there. You can see that some were a bigger hit than others!

The tv's were mounted high up on the wall and the kids were thrilled to actually have television cartoons to watch!

The Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation gave Brandon a backpack with a bear named "Rufus" and a book in it.  Rufus has become Brandon's best friend.  He takes him everywhere and has read the book over 20 times.  It is a beautiful story about a mom and her son and a bear that she buys him so that he will have someone to talk to about his diabetes.  Many times, Brandon will give himself a shot and then go give Rufus one too. I am so grateful for that little bear, but I still can't read the story without crying!

This was Brandon's bad day. He woke up throwing up and then slept the WHOLE day.  We tried to wake him up, but he just cried until he fell back asleep.  That was the worst day of it all. 

But later that night, he finally woke up, asked for breakfast (at midnight) and was feeling 100% better.  Kaitlin was sure glad since that was her night to spend the night!

All packed up and ready to go home...such a handsome, tough kid.

As soon as we got home, he pulled out this rug and began playing with all the new cars that he had earned as rewards at the hospital.  I am so grateful to all those who donate so many things for these kids.  It made all the difference in the world for him to get to pick a prize for each 5 pokes, 10 pokes, etc. and was sure a blessing.  Prior to leaving the hospital, they let him pick a "big" prize for when he got 20 pokes on his chart.  He entered the toy room and looked around and spotted some BYU bears.  He asked the nurse if he could get a present for his brother and sisters instead of getting a big present for himself.  Of course she said yes...and still let him pick something pretty cool for himself, too.  It was a proud mommy moment and the next morning when we filled his 20 pokes chart and had a big celebration, no one was glowing more than Brandon was as he handed out gifts! It was pretty cool!