I feel like a whirlwind has encircled us. In the center of every storm there is an eye - a place of peace and calm. Cole and I are there right now. Huddled in the middle, tightly clinging to each other and to our family. The winds are howling, the debris is flying all around us, but we are safely gathered in, safe and protected in a peace that shouldn't be found. And for that...I am grateful.
I love Hillary Weeks. A few days ago, I was listening to "My Favorites" on iTunes and watching a slide show of all the pictures I have taken this year. As I sat and stared at all the beautiful images of this life of mine, a Hillary Weeks song came on. One of my favorite. One that has strengthened me many times before. As soon as I heard the first few words, I knew it was just what I needed. It was an answer to a prayer, comfort during a plea for peace. The words go something like this:
"She sees the storm clouds gather,
the sky is turning cold and gray.
She knows that some thing's coming,
when she starts to feel this way.
She pleads for intervention,
but heaven offers no relief.
And she would understand,
if she could only see...
Sometimes he lets it rain,
he lets the fierce winds blow.
Sometimes it takes a storm
to lead a heart where it can grow.
He can move mountains of grief and oceans of pain,
but sometimes he lets it rain."
This is just the first verse and the rest are just as poignant. I am so grateful for the knowledge that God loves me. He has carried and shouldered the weight of my grief and pain during so many moments when I honestly wondered how I could go on. I wish he would simply remove this storm rather than bringing us peace in the middle of it, but I know enough about him to know that I can't just escape the easy way. Darnit! This journey and this trial will make me stronger. It will make my family stronger and despite what it may feel like right now, this is a blessing.
I'm know that what we are experiencing is small in comparison to so many others around the world right now, but for us it is very real and very consuming. I can see the future and I know it is greater than we could ever imagine right now, but every step towards that reality is hard and painful and real. I can't say enough about how grateful I am for my best friend and husband that walks this journey with me everyday. I count my lucky stars every night that he is mine.
We are blessed; I know that. In fact, the reality of exactly how blessed we are is humbling and staggering. In my moments of reflection, the magnitude of our tender mercies overwhelms my mind's comprehension. I am grateful. I am uncertain. I am clinging to my faith that God does not give us anything that we cannot overcome and that he has a plan for us that is far greater than our ability to see and attain. I am trusting a God that I know loves me. A God that has always led me to blessings far beyond my own comprehension. I am trusting that God knows best and that he will carry me through to the light at the end of this tunnel. I can't wait for conference. In my moments of greatest need, greatest help is offered.
I hesitate posting this on my blog, where who knows who reads it. Those of you who read this blog either read it because you love me and you love my family or because you are curious and enjoy judging us from what I post. I pray that if any of you fall into that category, you move on to better things to do with your time. This blog is my outlet and my stress relief. This blog connects me to family and friends who have loved me for as long as I can remember, who I work with, who I live by, who I couldn't live without and family who doesn't ever get to hear all the day-to-day details of our life. I love the comments I get from those of you who are just like me - trying to do the best they can to be good moms, wives and women of God. I need you and I feel like there are times that you need me. This is a time when I need you. I hope that you will respect our privacy, but know that we need all the support and love we can get! We need prayers and we need strength. We do not need judgement, gossip, or curiosity. We will be fine; I know that, but pretending like this doesn't exist is wrong. For those of you that know what is going on, now you know how I feel about it. For those of you who don't know what is going on, I'm sure we will let it all out eventually. And for those of you who have seen us and think that something is "off" - now you know you are right! We all go through difficult times and face things that seem insurmountable. The Roundy family is no exception, despite the many blessings of our day to day life. The sad thing is that when many of us have trials come, we retract and deal with it all on our own. We never let people in and we never let others carry the load with us. We feel alone, judged and cling to our fears and insecurities. That is wrong; it is what we were doing. The point of this gospel is to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those in need of comfort. It is what gives us hope and peace and strength. It is what makes us face the trials ahead with hope. It is what replaces fear with faith.
It is what reminds us that we are all in this together and that this life and all it's happenings are not chance. We are all in this together, all striving for the same thing, all serving and trying to be like the Lord that we love. I am grateful for that knowledge and for everyday that I am able to see more clearly the path that lies ahead. I know this storm is here for a reason. I hate it. But I know that it will lead us to something better. I believe that with all my heart.
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