Thought for Thursday - Never Give Up

For the record, these "thoughts for Thursday" are just my way of getting some of the random thoughts floating around my head ... out! Throughout the week, I always get these notions, ideas, ramblings, etc. and somehow, just telling myself I can write about it on Thursday helps to calm them down! Usually by the time Thursday comes, I have completely forgotten the brilliant thought I knew I had to share! But every once in a while, they come and stay! And so that's what I write about on Thursday.

Drum roll please -because I am pretty sure I have never heard this quote before, which means I actually made it up and may be credited in some future book for my genius (but, very likely I MAY have heard it and just thought it was my own!). In either case, the following quote has been on my mind for the past few days. "Trials come our way because Satan wants to see if we'll give up, and God needs to know we won't."

I am a competitor. It is in my blood. Motherhood, age and other factors have tempered this thirst a bit, but overall, I still feel my temperature rise and my adrenaline rush when it comes to any kind of competition. I'm not, never have been, a FIERCE competitor. In fact, I hate the cut-throat attitude some people have. Mine is more internal, which is why I ran track and played tennis in high school. These sports allowed me to challenge myself, while still being excited for other athletes. Basketball was a little harder. In basketball, the coach would always point out who had the best stats, who he perceived as playing the hardest, etc. And although I DID have the highest free throw percentage on my varsity team for 2 years, I never did get recognized for anything else on that team. I was just the steady one. I didn't "awe and wow" anyone, but I was a good defender, a steady shooter and I was quick. That was good enough for me. I had too many other things going on in my life (ASB, seminary, choir, mutual, boyfriend:)) to give it more. I've realized something as of late - I hate doing things to prove to other people that I'm enoough. Let me explain this point. I hated trying to get my coach to recognize that I was a great basketball player. I got tired of the "game" of trying to win his approval. However, with tennis and track, the thrill was in the fact that no one thought I was any good - so I loved proving them wrong! I started playing tennis in 9th grade. I just had an empty season and decided to try out for the team and made it. In the following years, my boyfriend had football practice at the same time, so I just decided to keep playing! I never had private lessons like most of the girls, but still, I loved hitting against a wall to practice by myself, and I actually made the varsity team my junior year. My senior year, my coach would never place me as the #1 seed. It drove him crazy that I was a good player, especially when I wasn't what he envisioned as a tennis player! Whenever we went to a match, I was always #2. At first, it drove me nuts. I was the best player on the team. But as the season went on, I loved playing #2. It was way more fun to be the best when people thought you weren't. Later, when he tried to move me up, I told him no! That season, I never lost a match. I blew right through league undefeated and went clear through Regionals (which, in California is a really big deal) until I lost my first match. I surprised EVERYONE! And I LOVED it! The same was true in track. I was one of 3 white girls on my track team, the only one on my 4 x 100m relay team. No one thought the "white" girl would be fast...which made it that much more fun when I was the fastest! I held the school record for the fastest 200m time for 5 years!

Anyway, my point is, I love doing something that no one expects and I don't do well when I feel like I am doing something to prove something to someone. I enjoy competition, but life is not a competition to me. I don't care what car so and so drives, what pant size they wear, what they got for their birthday, what "toys" they have, or how good they are at such and such, etc. In fact, just being aware of the way that some make this their focus and competition drives me CRAZY and make me steer clear! I'm excited for them and their success, but I am not them. And I don't want to be. Life is more like a track race than I used to think. We are all teammates trying to help each other get to the finish line. We can train together, we can pump each other up, and we can provide hints on strategy, but when it comes time to actually RUN the race - we have to do it alone. There are times in life when the race we are running is more like a relay race, where someone else has the baton and it is their turn to struggle and give it all they've got, while you cheer and watch and wait. Eventually, you get the baton and it is yours to run with. But the point is, we all run our best and we all lay it all on the line. I wish I would have figured this out sooner because it helps me relate to this journey so much more.

So back to my (drum roll please) quote, I've been thinking about it in terms of my weight. After all those sports stories, you must realize that how I am now IS NOT what I have always been. After 10 years of marriage, I have gained ______(you fill in the blank!) pounds and am tired of being stuck behind an image of something that I am not. My friend, Michelle, and I were talking about this "issue" lately and she said, "Weight really is Satan's tool to keep us from being what we really are." I can't believe how true that is. I think of some of the things that I would do differently if I felt better about myself and honestly, there are a bunch. I've found myself to be less outgoing lately, mainly because I am afraid of what someone will think about the "friendly, fat girl" who introduced herself. Similarly, I was terrified to coach my boys' soccer team because I didn't want to be the "fat" soccer mom running up and down the sidelines. (Ironically, I would never think this about someone else, but it's funny that I am so sure that everyone is seeing me like this.) I am so tired of this. For whatever reason (more than I care to name - some good and some not so good), I have gained this weight and I am tired of letting Satan use it to make me feel like I am not beautiful or special. I wonder if God is up there watching me, just waiting for me to get my competitor spirit in drive and go head to head with Satan. Satan thinks he's got me down for the count, but God knows I'll win - he's betting on that competitive drive He gave me. I think I've forgotten that I can win, that I don't need to be on the bench the rest of my life. It's not who I am. Somehow, thinking about my weight in terms of it being a match-play against Satan makes the battle I need to fight a little more exciting. I am finally ready to prove that I will not give up and that this is just one more battle I intend to come from out of nowhere to win!